The Summer that Wasn't

I can't even remember how summer started. I know I had big plans... plans to improve my self and plans to organize and decorate my home. The kids would be busy with church camps and activities and sports camps. Earl's business was improving, so he was busy. Abby was healthy. It was going to be a great summer.

But it took a tragic turn. On June 16, my daddy was killed when he went out for a quick ride on his new motorcycle. My dad wasn't exactly a novice rider. He had a bike when I was a kid. I can remember going for rides with him around our neighborhood. He set that hobby aside until earlier this spring. He took a motorcycle rider safety course and began looking for a bike. This wasn't his dream bike...just one he got a good deal that would be his "practice bike." My dad had retired and needed something to keep him busy, something that he could use to relax and de-stress. He loved adventure. He liked to go fast, go high, go far. He researched hobby possibilities for months. He enjoyed sailing, so he took a sailing class and started looking for a boat. But while a sailboat is certainly relaxing, it is also kind of boring. He thought about renewing his private pilot's license and flying again. He also considered having horses. In the end, the call of the open road won. My mom was not happy about this choice. And while the motorcycle was my least favorite option, I supported his need to get away. I realized my desire for him to choose a sailboat or the horses was a bit selfish. That also benefitted my family, as the kids could ride the horses or we could all use the sailboat. I just wanted my dad to be happy and find a bit of freedom from the burdens of our life.

In the almost two months since my father's death, I have really tried to figure out what it the world God was thinking! I still have three grandparents that are alive, and many great aunts and uncles. I have not lost anyone close to me since my Pawpaw Little died of a stroke when I was 4. I do not know how to deal with death. I also wondered why God chose now. My mother is battling cancer, as is my daughter. My dad's mother lives in an assisted living home here in our town. My dad helped with all of the doctor trips and hospital visits and even helped get all my kids where they needed to be. My dad was not only loved and adored, he was needed.

But maybe that is some of it. My dad is now in the arms of his Savior, free from the burdens of this life. That is the ultimate retirement...worshipping the Lord all day! I am also learning that, as much as I loved my daddy, I only NEED God. I was putting too much reliance in my earthly father and not enough in my Heavenly Father. That only added to my dad's burden. I am so thankful for a merciful Father. I know my dad is free.

As for those of us left behind, progress has been slow, but is coming. As with any sudden loss, we have spent much of the time since dad's death in a fog of shock and bewilderment. Both my mom and I have had a lot of trouble concentrating on life. My house is a disaster. I can barely make a meal, much less figure out how to organize and clean a room. Mom is exhausted both emotionally and physically. But we have made some great progress in the last few weeks, taking care of all the paperwork for dad's estate and also finding some peace and healing as we cope with our loss. The kids miss their grandpa terribly, but are also doing well. They now have the back to school rush to distract them.

I spent many of the past weeks just plain mad at God. I seriously believed that we already had such a burden that we were "safe" from any more pain. God certainly has more faith in me than I do. So through all this, I have had to ask myself if I really do have faith in God. Do I really and truly believe that He is Sovereign? Do I really get that His ways, although beyond my human understanding, are meant for my growth and righteousness. Can I still think of my Savior as a loving God and not as a big bully who is picking on me?

The short answer to these questions is yes. I think following God is worth it. In his writings, Paul talks a lot about perseverence and pressing on to the goal. I am understanding that more and more as I get older. And I have come to a point in my life where I can see true progress in my life. I can see very clearly how God has been at work, using even my most horrible decisions to bring glory and honor to Him. I want to press on. I want to serve my Savior in all I do and say. My life may be hard. It may not seem fair. But that no longer matters. My life is not my own, but is Christ's, and whatever I must endure here to stand with Him for eternity is worth it.

As for my lost summer, that is worth it too. My house isn't decorated and organized. It's not even clean! I have made no progress on the books I planned to read and the Bible studies I planned to finish. I wanted to write more, create more, and teach my children more. But I did learn a few things about myself and about God. God's power makes me strong. He will provide for me. And He really, really does love me.