A voice cries out,
“In the wilderness clear a way for the Lord;
construct in the desert a road for our God.
Every valley must be elevated,
and every mountain and hill leveled.
The rough terrain will become a level plain,
the rugged landscape a wide valley.
The splendor of the Lord will be revealed,
and all people will see it at the same time.
For the Lord has decreed it.”
Isaiah 40:3-5
Who am I that you are mindful of me
That you hear me, when I call
Is it true that you are thinking of me
How you love me, it's amazing.
I Am a Friend of God (performed by Phillips, Craig and Dean)
I am realizing that, every day, I am falling more and more in love with God. I am constantly seeing His hand in my life. Sometimes it is small things, like the close parking space at the store when I'm in a hurry. Sometimes I feel His comfort when I am having a rough day. Then there are days like yesterday, when He just blows me away with His power and mercy.
My youngest daughter was diagnosed with a very aggressive and hard to treat form of leukemia over four years ago. She was 3. Her oncologist did not think she would make it. But she did. In the last year, we have had some troubling test results and realized some of her medication wasn't working 100%, and there is not another med available. Earlier this year, her doctors finally made the recommendation for a bone marrow transplant, itself and very high risk procedure in a child like Abby. It all hinged on one more test...and God showed up. Big. Huge!! Abby's bone marrow was clear of a protein that feeds abnormal cells and makes them grow out of control. Totally clear. The transplant wasn't needed. I knew God's hand was all over that. But what amazed me, floored me really, was yesterday when her doctor called. She had another test last Friday, and again, her marrow is completely clear of this protein. Same kid, now almost 8 years old. Same not-really-working medicine. Huge, powerful, merciful God.
Who am I that this God, who created all, would even pay a second of attention to me? Me...rebellious, wretched, broken. Who am I?
I am His. His daughter, His beloved.
And I am so in love with Him.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
The Summer that Wasn't
I can't even remember how summer started. I know I had big plans... plans to improve my self and plans to organize and decorate my home. The kids would be busy with church camps and activities and sports camps. Earl's business was improving, so he was busy. Abby was healthy. It was going to be a great summer.
But it took a tragic turn. On June 16, my daddy was killed when he went out for a quick ride on his new motorcycle. My dad wasn't exactly a novice rider. He had a bike when I was a kid. I can remember going for rides with him around our neighborhood. He set that hobby aside until earlier this spring. He took a motorcycle rider safety course and began looking for a bike. This wasn't his dream bike...just one he got a good deal that would be his "practice bike." My dad had retired and needed something to keep him busy, something that he could use to relax and de-stress. He loved adventure. He liked to go fast, go high, go far. He researched hobby possibilities for months. He enjoyed sailing, so he took a sailing class and started looking for a boat. But while a sailboat is certainly relaxing, it is also kind of boring. He thought about renewing his private pilot's license and flying again. He also considered having horses. In the end, the call of the open road won. My mom was not happy about this choice. And while the motorcycle was my least favorite option, I supported his need to get away. I realized my desire for him to choose a sailboat or the horses was a bit selfish. That also benefitted my family, as the kids could ride the horses or we could all use the sailboat. I just wanted my dad to be happy and find a bit of freedom from the burdens of our life.
In the almost two months since my father's death, I have really tried to figure out what it the world God was thinking! I still have three grandparents that are alive, and many great aunts and uncles. I have not lost anyone close to me since my Pawpaw Little died of a stroke when I was 4. I do not know how to deal with death. I also wondered why God chose now. My mother is battling cancer, as is my daughter. My dad's mother lives in an assisted living home here in our town. My dad helped with all of the doctor trips and hospital visits and even helped get all my kids where they needed to be. My dad was not only loved and adored, he was needed.
But maybe that is some of it. My dad is now in the arms of his Savior, free from the burdens of this life. That is the ultimate retirement...worshipping the Lord all day! I am also learning that, as much as I loved my daddy, I only NEED God. I was putting too much reliance in my earthly father and not enough in my Heavenly Father. That only added to my dad's burden. I am so thankful for a merciful Father. I know my dad is free.
As for those of us left behind, progress has been slow, but is coming. As with any sudden loss, we have spent much of the time since dad's death in a fog of shock and bewilderment. Both my mom and I have had a lot of trouble concentrating on life. My house is a disaster. I can barely make a meal, much less figure out how to organize and clean a room. Mom is exhausted both emotionally and physically. But we have made some great progress in the last few weeks, taking care of all the paperwork for dad's estate and also finding some peace and healing as we cope with our loss. The kids miss their grandpa terribly, but are also doing well. They now have the back to school rush to distract them.
I spent many of the past weeks just plain mad at God. I seriously believed that we already had such a burden that we were "safe" from any more pain. God certainly has more faith in me than I do. So through all this, I have had to ask myself if I really do have faith in God. Do I really and truly believe that He is Sovereign? Do I really get that His ways, although beyond my human understanding, are meant for my growth and righteousness. Can I still think of my Savior as a loving God and not as a big bully who is picking on me?
The short answer to these questions is yes. I think following God is worth it. In his writings, Paul talks a lot about perseverence and pressing on to the goal. I am understanding that more and more as I get older. And I have come to a point in my life where I can see true progress in my life. I can see very clearly how God has been at work, using even my most horrible decisions to bring glory and honor to Him. I want to press on. I want to serve my Savior in all I do and say. My life may be hard. It may not seem fair. But that no longer matters. My life is not my own, but is Christ's, and whatever I must endure here to stand with Him for eternity is worth it.
As for my lost summer, that is worth it too. My house isn't decorated and organized. It's not even clean! I have made no progress on the books I planned to read and the Bible studies I planned to finish. I wanted to write more, create more, and teach my children more. But I did learn a few things about myself and about God. God's power makes me strong. He will provide for me. And He really, really does love me.
But it took a tragic turn. On June 16, my daddy was killed when he went out for a quick ride on his new motorcycle. My dad wasn't exactly a novice rider. He had a bike when I was a kid. I can remember going for rides with him around our neighborhood. He set that hobby aside until earlier this spring. He took a motorcycle rider safety course and began looking for a bike. This wasn't his dream bike...just one he got a good deal that would be his "practice bike." My dad had retired and needed something to keep him busy, something that he could use to relax and de-stress. He loved adventure. He liked to go fast, go high, go far. He researched hobby possibilities for months. He enjoyed sailing, so he took a sailing class and started looking for a boat. But while a sailboat is certainly relaxing, it is also kind of boring. He thought about renewing his private pilot's license and flying again. He also considered having horses. In the end, the call of the open road won. My mom was not happy about this choice. And while the motorcycle was my least favorite option, I supported his need to get away. I realized my desire for him to choose a sailboat or the horses was a bit selfish. That also benefitted my family, as the kids could ride the horses or we could all use the sailboat. I just wanted my dad to be happy and find a bit of freedom from the burdens of our life.
In the almost two months since my father's death, I have really tried to figure out what it the world God was thinking! I still have three grandparents that are alive, and many great aunts and uncles. I have not lost anyone close to me since my Pawpaw Little died of a stroke when I was 4. I do not know how to deal with death. I also wondered why God chose now. My mother is battling cancer, as is my daughter. My dad's mother lives in an assisted living home here in our town. My dad helped with all of the doctor trips and hospital visits and even helped get all my kids where they needed to be. My dad was not only loved and adored, he was needed.
But maybe that is some of it. My dad is now in the arms of his Savior, free from the burdens of this life. That is the ultimate retirement...worshipping the Lord all day! I am also learning that, as much as I loved my daddy, I only NEED God. I was putting too much reliance in my earthly father and not enough in my Heavenly Father. That only added to my dad's burden. I am so thankful for a merciful Father. I know my dad is free.
As for those of us left behind, progress has been slow, but is coming. As with any sudden loss, we have spent much of the time since dad's death in a fog of shock and bewilderment. Both my mom and I have had a lot of trouble concentrating on life. My house is a disaster. I can barely make a meal, much less figure out how to organize and clean a room. Mom is exhausted both emotionally and physically. But we have made some great progress in the last few weeks, taking care of all the paperwork for dad's estate and also finding some peace and healing as we cope with our loss. The kids miss their grandpa terribly, but are also doing well. They now have the back to school rush to distract them.
I spent many of the past weeks just plain mad at God. I seriously believed that we already had such a burden that we were "safe" from any more pain. God certainly has more faith in me than I do. So through all this, I have had to ask myself if I really do have faith in God. Do I really and truly believe that He is Sovereign? Do I really get that His ways, although beyond my human understanding, are meant for my growth and righteousness. Can I still think of my Savior as a loving God and not as a big bully who is picking on me?
The short answer to these questions is yes. I think following God is worth it. In his writings, Paul talks a lot about perseverence and pressing on to the goal. I am understanding that more and more as I get older. And I have come to a point in my life where I can see true progress in my life. I can see very clearly how God has been at work, using even my most horrible decisions to bring glory and honor to Him. I want to press on. I want to serve my Savior in all I do and say. My life may be hard. It may not seem fair. But that no longer matters. My life is not my own, but is Christ's, and whatever I must endure here to stand with Him for eternity is worth it.
As for my lost summer, that is worth it too. My house isn't decorated and organized. It's not even clean! I have made no progress on the books I planned to read and the Bible studies I planned to finish. I wanted to write more, create more, and teach my children more. But I did learn a few things about myself and about God. God's power makes me strong. He will provide for me. And He really, really does love me.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Put me in, Coach!
This year, God has really put it heavy in my heart and mind that I need to be purposeful and persistent in working on my marriage. Earl and I don't have typical marital struggles. We have always enjoyed doing the same kinds of things, such as fishing, entertaining friends at our home, or listening to live Americana music. When we get the chance to go on a date or have a few hours to goof off, it's not hard for us to find something fun to do and reconnect. Earl is very affectionate, and, while I wish he would be more open with feelings about big things (hopes and dreams for the future), I'm not really the kind of girl who wants her man to talk about everything in the world- past, present and future. We just fit nicely together. As I write this, I keep thinking that we should have it pretty easy. Unfortunately, just like with anything that needs nuturing, neglect has taken its toll in this area of our life.
When our youngest daughter, Abby, was diagnosed with leukemia a few years ago, Earl and I had just finished building a new home. Don't confuse this....we did not have a new home built -- we built the house ourselves. My hubby is a carpenter, and he was the general contractor and did a majority of the labor. The kids, our friends, and I pitched in where we could. My parents were here to help with everything too. A true family affair. Our friends laughed that since our marriage had survived homebuilding, it could survive anything! I believed that. There was so much give and take, so many times we had to rely on God and each other. So many unknowns when we just had to have faith.
Less than two months later, we were sitting in an oncologist's office as he explained what the rest of our foreseeable future would be like. Not enjoying the huge front porch of our brand new home, but instead, months and months of hospital stays and sleepless nights. Our marriage became second. And what I have found is once you but something on the back burner too long, it is very hard to get it right again.
I once told our pastor that I felt like Earl and I were just two people on Abby's medical team. Our life revolved around her care. It had to. She was fighting for her life! I'm not saying that Earl and I could have done anthing differently during this time. When he wasn't at the hospital with Abby, he was trying to fit some work in to support our family (and keep himself from going stir crazy!). When I was home, I would try to spend time with our three older kids. We were just surviving. Barely. As time went on and Abby was spending less time in the hospital and more time at home, we were still on this separate path. I tried to make up for lost time with my big kids while running back and forth to doctors' appointments with Abby. Earl was trying to rebuild his business to provide for our family. Again, everything we were doing was good. But our marriage was still in the background.
So here we are in 2010. Two people who love each other very much, who have built a beautiful family and an amazing home. Two people who love the Lord and put full faith and trust in Him. If you are having trouble in your marriage, I do not want this post to discourage you....instead, I want you to see that we all fall prey to Satan's lie. God wants us to work on our marriage. Satan will tell us that if we are serving God, those things will take care of themselves. God wants us to be purposeful about serving, honoring, and just plain being there for our spouse. Satan will say it is ok that we put our work, our children, or other pursuits first just for a "season."
So this year, I'm not buying Satan's garbage that my marriage will be here waiting for me when Abby is healed, when the kids are in college, when....whatever. My marriage has to be second only to the Lord. If I have put my full trust in Him, then I will obey His commmand to honor my husband. Ephesians 5:22-32
We already got a great start on this by spending the weekend of Valentine's Day at a marriage retreat. It was an amazing time. No TV, no phone calls or emails to answer. Just time to focus on each other. Our speaker gave us some great tools to use, and even used some role play with her own husband to demonstrate how to use them. Earl and I both were really impressed with how much useful information we were given. And it came in God's good timing. Last fall, we took a class at church where we when through the book, Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs together. That book really taught us where differences in our communication patterns cause misunderstandings. Purposefully combining all of this information doesn't even seem overwhelming. I'm excited to have a new understanding of my husband, how he thinks and communicates, and how to handle conficts so that he doesn't run away and I don't get off track and into crazyland.
So when a challenge came through on Twitter from Lisa B, I jumped at the chance to continue to be purposeful in honoring my husband and my marriage. We will be reading through The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. Lisa will be blogging, and I (hopefully) will too! Consider grabbing this book off your bookshelf or at the bookstore this weekend and join us. We'll be reading a chapter a day (weekdays only) starting Monday, February 22.
My marriage does not have to wait anymore. I'm putting it at the top of my list, just under Christ. I'm ready to come in off the bench, ready to play, to fight, to give this my all.
When our youngest daughter, Abby, was diagnosed with leukemia a few years ago, Earl and I had just finished building a new home. Don't confuse this....we did not have a new home built -- we built the house ourselves. My hubby is a carpenter, and he was the general contractor and did a majority of the labor. The kids, our friends, and I pitched in where we could. My parents were here to help with everything too. A true family affair. Our friends laughed that since our marriage had survived homebuilding, it could survive anything! I believed that. There was so much give and take, so many times we had to rely on God and each other. So many unknowns when we just had to have faith.
Less than two months later, we were sitting in an oncologist's office as he explained what the rest of our foreseeable future would be like. Not enjoying the huge front porch of our brand new home, but instead, months and months of hospital stays and sleepless nights. Our marriage became second. And what I have found is once you but something on the back burner too long, it is very hard to get it right again.
I once told our pastor that I felt like Earl and I were just two people on Abby's medical team. Our life revolved around her care. It had to. She was fighting for her life! I'm not saying that Earl and I could have done anthing differently during this time. When he wasn't at the hospital with Abby, he was trying to fit some work in to support our family (and keep himself from going stir crazy!). When I was home, I would try to spend time with our three older kids. We were just surviving. Barely. As time went on and Abby was spending less time in the hospital and more time at home, we were still on this separate path. I tried to make up for lost time with my big kids while running back and forth to doctors' appointments with Abby. Earl was trying to rebuild his business to provide for our family. Again, everything we were doing was good. But our marriage was still in the background.
So here we are in 2010. Two people who love each other very much, who have built a beautiful family and an amazing home. Two people who love the Lord and put full faith and trust in Him. If you are having trouble in your marriage, I do not want this post to discourage you....instead, I want you to see that we all fall prey to Satan's lie. God wants us to work on our marriage. Satan will tell us that if we are serving God, those things will take care of themselves. God wants us to be purposeful about serving, honoring, and just plain being there for our spouse. Satan will say it is ok that we put our work, our children, or other pursuits first just for a "season."
So this year, I'm not buying Satan's garbage that my marriage will be here waiting for me when Abby is healed, when the kids are in college, when....whatever. My marriage has to be second only to the Lord. If I have put my full trust in Him, then I will obey His commmand to honor my husband. Ephesians 5:22-32
We already got a great start on this by spending the weekend of Valentine's Day at a marriage retreat. It was an amazing time. No TV, no phone calls or emails to answer. Just time to focus on each other. Our speaker gave us some great tools to use, and even used some role play with her own husband to demonstrate how to use them. Earl and I both were really impressed with how much useful information we were given. And it came in God's good timing. Last fall, we took a class at church where we when through the book, Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs together. That book really taught us where differences in our communication patterns cause misunderstandings. Purposefully combining all of this information doesn't even seem overwhelming. I'm excited to have a new understanding of my husband, how he thinks and communicates, and how to handle conficts so that he doesn't run away and I don't get off track and into crazyland.
So when a challenge came through on Twitter from Lisa B, I jumped at the chance to continue to be purposeful in honoring my husband and my marriage. We will be reading through The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. Lisa will be blogging, and I (hopefully) will too! Consider grabbing this book off your bookshelf or at the bookstore this weekend and join us. We'll be reading a chapter a day (weekdays only) starting Monday, February 22.
My marriage does not have to wait anymore. I'm putting it at the top of my list, just under Christ. I'm ready to come in off the bench, ready to play, to fight, to give this my all.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Email from God
I love it when God reminds me of His love and Sovereignty. Sometimes these reminders come as a pat on the back...recognition for following Him. But sometimes God has to remind me in a more in-your-face way. These reminders always interrupt something-- a pity party, a gloat fest, me ogling something I am coveting.
I was sitting in the doctors office with my youngest daughter, Abby, the weariness weighing heavy on me. She has been battling cancer for almost four years. As the doctor examines her and tells me to bring her back in tomorrow, I feel the frustration rising in me. The 80 mile round trip drive wears me out and I'm realizing we'll be making the trip every day this week. I don't say it, but my spirit is thinking "Why? Why now?"
The doctor leaves to order Abby's antibiotic and I plop back in my chair. My phone dings, signaling an email. I don't usually take email, calls, or texts during doctor visits, but I know we have a bit of wait. I figure I'll read my emails, which are certainly junk, then play a game or check Facebook. I open the email, which is from my Wednesday evening Bible study leader, and I see exactly what I need at that moment...what God knows I need to hear. The body of the email contains Paul's words in Hebrews reminding us that sometimes, life is exhausting, frustrating, confusing.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12: 1-3
Finding joy in my struggles is not always easy, but realizing my God loves me enough to send me an email to remind me to persevere sure does help!!
I was sitting in the doctors office with my youngest daughter, Abby, the weariness weighing heavy on me. She has been battling cancer for almost four years. As the doctor examines her and tells me to bring her back in tomorrow, I feel the frustration rising in me. The 80 mile round trip drive wears me out and I'm realizing we'll be making the trip every day this week. I don't say it, but my spirit is thinking "Why? Why now?"
The doctor leaves to order Abby's antibiotic and I plop back in my chair. My phone dings, signaling an email. I don't usually take email, calls, or texts during doctor visits, but I know we have a bit of wait. I figure I'll read my emails, which are certainly junk, then play a game or check Facebook. I open the email, which is from my Wednesday evening Bible study leader, and I see exactly what I need at that moment...what God knows I need to hear. The body of the email contains Paul's words in Hebrews reminding us that sometimes, life is exhausting, frustrating, confusing.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12: 1-3
Finding joy in my struggles is not always easy, but realizing my God loves me enough to send me an email to remind me to persevere sure does help!!
Monday, January 11, 2010
Time to Shine!
I am so excited! I have been asked to lead a Shine Shop again this year at the SHINE Conference. I will be speaking to mothers about their relationship with their daughters (and sons). I didn't really think I should be leading a breakout session on "mothering" as I'm just getting to the good part (my oldest is 15). But God impressed upon me that it is imperative that I share what I do know....and that is how my relationship was with my mom.
My parents were (and still are!) wonderful, Godly people. They did what they knew, which is just what their parents did. We didn't talk about much. I didn't know if we ever had money troubles and never saw my parents have an argument. They didn't talk about sex, drugs, etc. except to tell me not to do it. There was no open door for discussion, no reasons for things that didn't make sense. I assumed they had been perfect, obedient teens, and that their adult lives had been stress-free. When my life began to unravel in college, I didn't turn to my mom. I didn't really turn to anyone. Mistake after mistake turned into depression and shame, and I didn't know how to make the Crazy Train stop. I needed help, but I didn't know where to turn.
My session will discuss being an accessible parent. One your child knows she can come to. That doesn't mean that we dig out all the "skeletons in the closet." But it does mean being open and honest. When we don't discuss things with our kids, they make up their own reasons/excuses/ideas. They yearn for answers, and if we aren't available to lead them to the answers that God has given us in His Word, and share the experiences we have been through, then our sweet children will look elsewhere. To our children, we become either dark and mysterious, or holy and perfect. Inaccessible.
Nothing would be a better testimony to the power of Christ's love than to share your own true story of redemption with your child. God really has given us the tools...His Word and our past. Sharing parts of our past can be very hard. But God will lead you to share the right words at the right time. You will be amazed at the power your life can have on your children!
Your sweet child already thinks you are the greatest...imagine what she'll think when she also knows you are real.
My parents were (and still are!) wonderful, Godly people. They did what they knew, which is just what their parents did. We didn't talk about much. I didn't know if we ever had money troubles and never saw my parents have an argument. They didn't talk about sex, drugs, etc. except to tell me not to do it. There was no open door for discussion, no reasons for things that didn't make sense. I assumed they had been perfect, obedient teens, and that their adult lives had been stress-free. When my life began to unravel in college, I didn't turn to my mom. I didn't really turn to anyone. Mistake after mistake turned into depression and shame, and I didn't know how to make the Crazy Train stop. I needed help, but I didn't know where to turn.
My session will discuss being an accessible parent. One your child knows she can come to. That doesn't mean that we dig out all the "skeletons in the closet." But it does mean being open and honest. When we don't discuss things with our kids, they make up their own reasons/excuses/ideas. They yearn for answers, and if we aren't available to lead them to the answers that God has given us in His Word, and share the experiences we have been through, then our sweet children will look elsewhere. To our children, we become either dark and mysterious, or holy and perfect. Inaccessible.
Nothing would be a better testimony to the power of Christ's love than to share your own true story of redemption with your child. God really has given us the tools...His Word and our past. Sharing parts of our past can be very hard. But God will lead you to share the right words at the right time. You will be amazed at the power your life can have on your children!
Your sweet child already thinks you are the greatest...imagine what she'll think when she also knows you are real.
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